Why African Men in Diaspora Go Home to Marry

Published on 19th August 2008

There is no readily available data from the US State Department as to the number of Africans who join their spouse, fiancé or fiancée in the United States every year. From private conversation and observation, about three thousand Africans make such a journey on a yearly basis. Of this, some seventy percent are from English-speaking Africa, and roughly eighty percent of these claim to be Christians. Of those who engage in such rituals, more than ninety-five percent are men.

 

The immigration process can be trying, and costs lots of money, resourcefulness and perseverance! But why do African men go through this tortuous immigration process? Why do African men go home to marry instead of marrying the women they’ve wined and dined and romanced right here in the US. Most women in the US are well-educated, well-read, well-travelled; well mannered and have, in most cases, proven their trustworthiness. They are women of two worlds: they know Africa and also understand the West.

 

In spite of their advantages and pluses, the vast majority of these women are very likely to lose their boyfriends to women back home. But really, why do African men go home to marry the “unknowns” instead of marrying the proven and the reliable here in the US? Anyone who has lived in the United States for a good number of years can easily attest to the fact this is not an easy country to live in. It is a very individualistic and very challenging society and is at a variance with agrarian societies like ours.

 

Well, granted, a thousand men have a thousand different reasons for going home to marry, there are common threads as to why they do what they do: (1) because they can; (2) most men are under the illusion that the women they knew back home are innocent, un-spoilt and virgins; (3) it could be an ego-boosting exercise; (4) it allows some men to mask their failures and shortcomings since the women who are already in the US can tell where they are on the social and economic ladder. And then there those who will tell you African girls in the US have all “gone bad…rotten…too exposed…too independent.” And of course, there are the traditionalists who will never marry anyone outside of their ethnic group.

 

I am reminded of a friend in Seattle who once told me there was nothing else he could “teach” his girlfriend in terms of romance. She rocked his world in every way imaginable. In the end though, he went home to marry a “village girl.” She pretended for a while, but later proved to him that “everything a Yankee can do, a Naija woman can also do.” Shortly thereafter, he also realized he was her one-way ticket out of her misery and poverty in Nigeria.There are many more similar stories. I also know that the majority of such marriages start collapsing within two years. The American society has a way of Oprahlizing even a meek girl from Timbuktu or Aba.

 

When it is all said and done, the African male is perplexing. He can be enigmatic. He can be everything and sometimes, nothing. He can be sweet and loving and caring and benevolent and at the same time oppressive. His life is full of contradictions. In so many ways, he is a wounded animal as a result of his historical past. Once, he was the primary breadwinner, head of the household, the man who moved mountains and parted the heavens for rains.

 

The modern times have not been exactly good to him because of the multiplying effects of globalization and modernity. Even though the outside world is depriving him of his manhood, he has found a way to make part of his world and home his playground. In this playground, he  is the sole captain. His words and wishes are law. Globalization and modernity may be creeping in on and chipping away at his manhood, but he has found a way to protect his playground, by marrying a 'greenhorn.'

 

But you see life has a way of getting back at us. Sooner or later, Karma will come to play. Life is dynamic. Ever changing. Never static. Therefore, yesterday’s greenhorns will become the “ever-present and ever-knowing” of tomorrow. The innocents will lose the mist in their eyes and become like all the women that came before them. Though the preceding assertion is not empirically grounded, one can not but notice that “greenhorn marriages” dissolve quicker -- mostly within five years with or without offspring.

 

More often than not, most of these marriages are not based on love or affection. Most are not even like the marriages of yester-years: a contract and a union between two families. On the part of the greenhorns, it is mostly about the need to escape the prevailing abject poverty and hopelessness that has engulfed most African countries. Most of these women wanted a way out of the misery in Kenya, Guinea, Liberia, and Eritrea and elsewhere.

 

In Nigeria, Cameroon, Mali, Madagascar and Mauritania, it is about running away from the fetid and stifling conditions that stunts dreams and kill optimism. Therefore, when presented with the opportunity to hop, they pack and run! It should be noted here and now that it is not all the women who come to join their husbands fit this profile. A good number come for the right reasons.

 

As for the men who go in search of these women, well, their mindset has been discussed. What needs to be added is the fact that most are never happy because they got what they never bargained for: stunned, disappointed and underachieving wives who never knew about 40-60-hour work week; women who never knew there are no dollar minting factories down the street, that America is not what they saw in the movies and magazines, that America is not a world of instant riches and glamour. You toil and toil and toil!

 

The unfamiliar can be mind-sapping, you know. These women see ghosts and dream of “bad-bad-bad-things.” Depression and identity crisis then sets in. Those who can’t cope then leave their husbands and marriage and try to go it alone believing their lots would be better without the “extra baggage.” Big mistake, for most!

 

As for the men, well, some will plead with, cajole or trick their wives into going into the nursing or CNA profession assuming the women were not already back home. The nursing profession, they believe, is a sure avenue for making money and living the good life. Be it in Houston, Seattle, Dallas, Miami, New York and every where in between, African nurses abound.

 

They are everywhere working mostly the night and graveyard shifts, toiling day and night and away from their husbands and children just to make ends meet. With no time to smell the roses or to wonder at the beauties that surround them, they become strangers in the world they live in.

 

It is a shame the way some African men in this country have treated and continue to treat some of our women. It is truly a shame!

 

Sabella Abidde, a PhD Candidate & SYLFF Fellow, is with Howard University Washington DC. He can be reached at: [email protected]


This article has been read 1,687 times
COMMENTS